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Jokes & Humorous Stories

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Jokes | True Stories | Cartoons | Misc. Humor | Adults Only | Links


Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
-Bill Hancock

Q: What do you call an MG with dual exhaust?
A: A Wheelbarrow!
-Philip Payne

Q: How do you double the value of a Triumph?
A: Fill it up with gas!
-Paul Helsby

Q: What's the difference between a classic Jag owner and a classic Triumph owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER he's been for a pee, and the Triumph owner...
- Richard Gosling

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because the all have Lucus refrigerators. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request

Q: What are the two questions you hear most from the passenger in your MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot

Q: When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.

Webster's definition of Corvette: A Spitfire on steroids.
-Russ Thomas

Little Billy and his Dad were down at the autocross watching the Spitfires zipping through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Spitfire driver."
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both, son."
- Ree G.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real close.
- Mike Nash

I pulled into a garage with my newly purchased 1500 Spitty and politly asked "Have you got a windscreen wiper blade for my Spit"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal to me mate.
- Kevin Cox

An GT6 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the GT6 driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same GT6, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the GT6's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

My husband phoned me the other day and proceeded to tell me he had purchased a new car for me. Well I was not thrilled I wanted the new 4 door SUV. What kind is it I asked..... a Triumph Spitfire a BRITISH car.... I've always wanted one he exclaimed! Well I knew nothing of these British cars. I love Coronation Street does that help? No?
Well, family told me to be greatful, he only bought it because he's going through a MID LIFE CRISIS. "They either buy sports cars or trade the wife in for a slimmer newer model." He got BOTH. We've had the car now 4 days and I'm slimmer already...I've had to push it home everytime we go out!
-Kimberlie Milner

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
-Sue Hunneybell

The Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountaints are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to the conversation: "I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
-Tom Broberg

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-Stephen Wright (the comedian)

I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a b**** to fold it.
-Stephen Wright

If Microsoft Built Cars...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want car that crashed twice a day?"

If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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True Stories

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Hearld, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Should have had a Spit.
It was the night before Christmas and all through the Narrows, not a creature was stirring, not even the sparrows.
I was driving my freshly restored TR250 through a dark mountain road in PA. I had just finished work at 11:00 PM and was heading home to shower so I could escort a young woman to midnight Mass. This was going to be a first for me, (I'm not a religious person) and didn't even know what Mass was.
It was a crisp clear winter night, the road was dry, the heater was working fine and I was zipping through the corners listening to an Elton John tape, (Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me). I was well aquainted with the road as I traveled it every day to and from work. As I was rounding one of my favorite turns, the rear of the TR began to slide, (how cool, a controlled skid) I thought. Midway through the corner something broke loose and the rear started to kick out really fast. In an attempt to control the skid, I was forced to allow the car to drift towards left side of the road. Eventually the car went up the side of a steep embankment. My only concern was causing damage to my new paint job. Unfortunately, the root structure of a large tree on the steep embankment caused the car to flip and become air-borne, landing on it's roof, bonnet, trunk lid and my head, (the car had no roll bar). I heard the sounds of breaking glass, screeching metal and I felt my head rubbing hard on the road. The car came to rest in the center of the road. As my eyes became adjusted to the light of the dash board instruments, (now directly on the road surface), I could see the double yellow lines. I was still in an awkward semi upside down position with my right hand pinned between the steering wheel and the road surface. I pulled hard to release my hand from under the wheel and rotated myself upright so I was sitting on the road, bent over with my head against the seat bottom. I remained calm for awhile, (I actually counted the fingers on my right hand to check for any missing digits). Suddenly I noticed that the road surface appeared to be getting wet. It was gasoline, I had just topped off the fuel tank after leaving work and it was leaking out of the filler spout. Now I was starting to panic. My first thought was to shut down all power to prevent sparks. Ironically, the engine was still running. For some reason I couldn't find or reach the ignition key so I began to jam the gear shift lever, (now mounted on the celing), forcing the transmission into top gear. The engine soon stalled. I quickly attempted to get out of the driver's door but my door handle, (which had broken the night before and was kept on top of the dash) was nowhere to be found. I then thought about going out through the plastic rear window, no luck, the car was resting on the hood and trunk lid. In my haste to exit, I grabbed the passenger's door handle and the high quality pot metal broke off the shaft. At this time the seat of my jeans were becomming saturated with fuel. The instrument lights were still on so I could see what appeared to be a gap bewteen the road surface and the passenger's door. The gap was created by the small hump at the rear of the TR's door just above the door handle. I managed to lay on the road and force my hand through the gap and operated the outside door release button. The door popped open without any assistance. I quickly got out of the car and stood upright, I was free. I reached back into the car pulled out my tape and turned on the hazzard light so as to warn any approaching vehicles.
I started to walk towards the nearest house, (about 1.5 miles). As I walked, I became aware that the top of my head was very warm. I lightly touched the top of my head with my hand. I could feel my head bleeding but to what extent I wasn't sure. While walking, thoughts entered my mind. "What if I pass out from loss of blood". "Maybe I should run to make faster time". "No stupid, the blood will flow faster". After several minutes of sole searching while walking at a brisk pace, I arrived at a stranger's house. The house was well lighted inside and out. Apparently they were celebrating the season as many people were visable through the windows. As I walked onto the lighted porch, I could see my hands were covered in blood. So as not to get blood on their door, I kicked it several times with my foot. A young women came to answer the door as if expecting additional guests. She started the greeting, "Hi, come on i.....(very loud scream), and ran away. Other people began cautiously to peer around the open door. Some kind person gave me a large towel and offered me a place to rest. I asked to use the phone and called my brother and asked him to come and get me. I made one more call. I called my young women friend and told her that I would be unable to escort her to midnight Mass. I told her that someone saved my life tonight and the sun didn't go down on me, I'd explain later.
As for the TR, some guy came by in a 4X4 and thought it was his duty to push the TR off the road over the low side of the embankment. The TR was a total loss. The cause of accident was a result of the right rear trailing arm. Upon investigation, I discovered that there had been a partial crack in the arm and it chose that particular night to break away. And me, I went to the hospitial to have my head examined and my hand wrapped. The doctor must have left out some brains because within six weeks I found this lovely B.R. Green Spit with a bad crank, (but thats another story).
Mitchell Rhine

This is a true story about my weekend, a weekend like most others 'cause it was dull, but relaxing until I tried to make that four hour 240 mile drive back to school. Around mile 195 I smelled something that smelled like gun powder, but I didn't think anything about it, except that it was strange. I kept driving and my eyes started watering and I started coughing spastically. I looked in my rearview mirror and the whole back of my car was engulfed in smoke. I was horrified. I immediately pulled over(nearly getting hit by a semi) to see what was wrong. I traced the problem to an area right behind the driver's seat between the outer frame and the inner panel under the window. I tried and tried to put it out but to no avail. So finally I decided that I had to make a break for it. I knew there were little towns strewn all along this interstate so I drover my car which was still on fire in excess of 100 miles an hour to a town that was 5 miles away to find out that the nearest gas station was 10 miles away.

I hit the off-ramp doing 85. I slide around a stop sign and just about every other turn praying that another car wouldn't be coming around that same turn at the same time. I nearly hit two cars on my way to the station. I get to the station and one of the people that I almost hit decided to give me a piece of his mind, when I explained to him what the problem was, he was one of the first to help me. I went inside to get a fire extinguisher but that didn't help any. The guy proceeded to rip apart my panel, which was mostly melted by now, to find the fire. when he got the panel open he found that there was foam down inside the panel smoldering with red hot embers. He reached down bare handed and yanked them out. How did it start you might ask?

Well I went to light a cigarrette with the lighter that comes installed in the car and some of the cigarrette stuck to the lighter, this has happened to me before, and I just put my arm outside and beat it against the side of the car. Somehow a spark came back inside and got deep inside my car and made a nest. Needless to say I have quit smoking. I told my dad about it and he said, "Boy, we've been telling you for years that smokin' a kill ya" I said "ya dad, but I was thinkin' more along the long term." We both got a good laugh out of it.
-Jana Cochrane

I was working a summer job in high school at a carpet installation shop. Being the bottom of the totem pole, I was the one who did the tasks that others didn't want to, pulling up tile in public restrooms, carrying wet carpet to the dumpster, etc. (The job was my dad's idea. He though having the worst job possible in high school made going to college more appealing). Anyway, The boss' car battery was low and he asked me to jump it from the company van. The (older) guys in the shop gave me that jumper cables and I proceeded to jump it off. Smoke and fire everywhere!!! The cable had a quick connect in the middle for what reason I can't begin to imagine and the guys had switched the connections. Catching the boss' car on fire is not good!!! Lucky I put it out before it did much more than melt the top of the battery.
- John Goethert

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off -- actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. (Not long enough.) Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO ! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach a speed well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. He, then, became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone chards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone.
- July newsletter (year ?) of the Oregon Region SCCA

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from March 67 Sports Car Graphic

from Christian Science Monitor, artist's name is Bennett

For more cartoons, visit Dan's Spitfire Cartoon Pages

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Misc. Humor

"Top Ten Reasons It's Time For A New Convertible Top" (with apologies to Dave Letterman):

#10. Calling your convertible a "ragtop" is more reality than slang.

#9. You're cruising down the highway with the wind in your hair and the warm sun on your shoulders-- with THE TOP UP!

#8. You couldn't see or hear the police cruiser--you know, the one with flashing lights that's been behind you for the last 3 miles.

#7. The weather forecast inside your car is at least as bad as that for the outside world.

#6. Your spouse is getting suspicious because you keep a half dozen towels in your car.

#5. Your insurance company refuses to insure you against pneumonia.

#4. You would order a new top, but you can't tell what color the old one was.

#3. When it's raining, you avoid hitting the brakes because the puddle under the seat soaks your pant legs.

#2. Neighborhood cats won't walk on your top for fear of falling through.

And the #1 reason it's time for a new top: You're running out of duct tape!


Valentine's LBC Poem

Roses are red,
Spitfires are green.
Keep telling yourself,
It's just a machine!
-David F. Darby

You Might be a Redneck if...

you go to a Stockcar Race and don't need a program.
less than half the cars you own run.
you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
you have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
you have to recrank your car at every intersection.
you've ever ridden all the way to Florida with your bare feet out of the car window.
you view duct tape as a long term investment.
you've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions.
the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
hitchhikers won't get into the car with you.
the front license plate on your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
you buy a color-coordinated rope to down your car hood (bonnet).
you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
you have grease under your toenails.
after removing the empty beer cans from your car and you get 15 more miles per gallon.
after love making you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

from Jeff Foxworthy's comedy act. For those that don't know, a redneck is an ignorant, country person

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If is wasn't for Triumph
Our tools would be rust.

bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of the finest British Workmanship"

Rearranging the letters of 'British Leyland' gives: Indelibly trash

TR = "Tools Required"

My Spitfire does not leak... it is just marking its territory!

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Why is the GT6's rear shaped like that? So it can slide through hedgerows easier.

If one or more of these is true, unfortunately, you are driving a Triumph
You look in your rear-view mirror to see two people with their hands on your bumper.
You constantly receive sympathy cards from the Department of Transportation.
When you are walking across the parking lot, you see a priest performing last rights on your car.
While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists offer to help push to get you started again.
You have preferred customer status at Pep Boys Auto Parts.
You have to stop along side the road at least once a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.
You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone will steal your car.
When you drive though town, people stop what they are doing and just start laughing.
In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of running shoes.

Who's Driving!?
Since I live in America, and my Spitfire Mk. III is right hand drive, it is one of my favorite past times to drive down the highway, with a friend, and when some one is behind us, I tell them to put their hands up. Freaks 'em out every time!
Note: This is not a good thing to do in front of a cop...
From Chris Bruce, Wellington, KS.

Now We Know: Why SUVs Have Four-Wheel Drive
(a letter originally sent to Car Talk)
Dear Click and Clack,
The obvious purpose of a huge, powerful, sport utility vehicle is to enable one person to commute to work, with no passengers, and tailgate small cars that are poking along the freeway at 75 miles an hour. For a long time, I have wondered why this function requires four-wheel drive. I think I have the answer. As an SUV rolls over the crushed carcass of a Toyota Tercel or Honda Civic sedan, the high-gloss enamel used on these vehicles presents an unsafe driving surface, jeopardizing the safety of the SUV driver. To help overcome his disadvantage, the SUV driver can slam that baby into four-wheel drive and pray that one wheel is on terra firma. Lobbyists no doubt prevent the outright ban of sedans but can't consumer advocates reduce the menace by pressing for the use of high-traction paint on small cars? What do you think?
Thank you. Gilbert J. Simon, Milpitas, CA

Top 12 Things NOT to say to a Cop.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been goin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in surprisingly good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officers says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

Oil Changing Instructions

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag (step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock up on beer while there since it's almost time for a spark plug change.
-Larry McCartt

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Adults Only

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

There are many mechanical devices designed to increase the sexual arousal of a women. The best being a Mercedes Benz 450 SL.
- anonymous sender

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Visit Trevor Bricey's wonderful Obscure British Car Humor page

KaleCo Automotive A fictional auto parts website. A great place to get a new Muffler Bearing or Hollow Spark Plug Wires

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